even if saving you
by bluepianos
Summary: sends me to heaven. • "Inuyasha had always thought that he, with his half-demon lifespan, would be the one to hold Kagome in her final restful sleep; that he would be the one to have to watch Kagome die. Not the other way around. Not like this." Character death. InuKag.
**Words** : 2,683
 **Disclaimer** : y'all really lucky i don't actually own inuyasha  
 **Notes** : Some people want to watch the world burn. Some people want to write odd, angsty character-study oneshots at the expense of their favorite characters. I could fall under one category. I could fall under both. This was an experiment. Please try reading it just as I've tried writing it.

 **Warning** : Character death.

 **even if saving you**

Inuyasha is bleeding.

The vibrant cloth of his fire-rat robes are darker than usual, no longer a bright red but a deep, dark burgundy turning black with every fading moment.

For a second, he thinks he's passed out.

Two seconds later, he amends this with the realization that he is in fact pass _ing_ out.

A blurry minute afterwards, he notices the shocking pain rupturing the skin covering his heart, ripping it open to make room for a jagged and rusted blade. He picks out a glimpse of Miroku's eyes, flickering in and out of his vision; the man's pale as a sheet and rendered speechless, a sight Inuyasha thought he'd never see, and he briefly wonders what the stupid monk's gaping at.

•

As for his ears, they twitch weakly at the distant sound of a woman's voice ripping through the air. She's screaming something horrible and heartbreaking and it's quite obvious to Inuyasha that this woman has no control over the chaos her vocal chords are creating. It shatters a part of Inuyasha's heart that hasn't been pierced by the blade and he realizes belatedly that he's heard this woman's wail before, on the evening Kohaku took one too many arrows to the chest in a battle they were doomed to lose.

Inuyasha wants to reach out to Sango so that he can grab her hand and pull her into his arms just like he did that night but he learns quickly that he can't move them, and neither can he move his legs. He can still feel his appendages - the pain in his biceps and calves tells him that much - but he can't quite lift them from under whatever's pinning them down.

•

There was a fight. A fight that had spun terribly out of control and turned into a full-frontal execution.

Inuyasha remembers that bit. Even if he didn't remember, he would've guessed as much. He starts to count the number of men they've lost (Toshio, Shouji, and - shit, Ryou, with his newborn son, _fuck_ , who's going to tell his wife?) and he despairs at how far the whole situation has regressed. The demon population has been growing anxious, angry, and impatient for blood, and he, Miroku and Sango have spent the past few months either placating numerous demonic tribes or defending human villages from the ones that go awry and violent. Inuyasha's bastard brother has been helpful in maintaining some semblance of peace around his lands, but even a demon lord is questioned by his demon subjects as to who he really stands with: demons or humans?

It's civil war. It's been civil war for months now, but Inuyasha only ever admits that to himself or to Miroku when their respective wives are fast asleep.

History always repeats itself.

History is a fucking mess.

•

His mind's a blur. Most everything is starting to black out for a few seconds before he wakes up again and gets drenched with the pain. It's like falling in and out of a nightmare but the nightmare is real and he can't leap or punch his way out of this one.

He can count on one hand the number of people for whom he'd lay his life down to protect. In his mind's haze, Inuyasha decides that if he can't use his arms or his legs right now, he might as well take inventory and make sure his pack is alright.

Miroku is shaken, but fine. Sango is definitely _not_ fine but she's clearly alive and kicking.

Inuyasha mentally ticks off two fingers and moves to the next person on his list. Where is that stupid fox?

•

He's dying.

Inuyasha knows that now. It's not an assumption or a thought, nor is it even an educated guess. It's a fact.

 _Fuck._

His breathing was far too rapid a moment ago when he noticed the blood on his chest but now every puff of air is shallow, weak, and gasped between breaks longer than the last.

Despite the languid pace of his lungs, his mind is speeding faster than he's ever run in his sorry life.

 _Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck._

He needs to apologize to Kagome, and to Eisuke.

He'd promised Kagome a trip down south to a place called Okinawa where he'd met an entire tribe of simple and humble sea demons. She would've loved them. And they would've adored her.

He'd told Eisuke he'd finally show him the basics of how to wield a real, _proper_ sword (the boy's almost two years old; no son of Inuyasha's is going to make it past 24 months without learning how to defend himself).

Sango yells brashly in the distance again and he can make out the vulgar sound of hiraikotsu slashing some demon's body (hopefully the bastard that got the lucky shot) into shreds.

Miroku keeps blurring in and out of his view, like he's moving all around Inuyasha's body, and Inuyasha's not sure if the blob of turquoise and orange at the corner of his eye is actually Shippo or just his imagination.

(Come to think of it, he owes Shippo three games of _kemari_ , after having to miss them three times when he'd been summoned to fend off stray groups of vicious demons in the area.)

(How the _hell_ is he ever gonna make up for them now?)

•

Inuyasha once read an ancient scroll that said death is an adventure that begins with a wave of light. It went on to describe that the individual moving from the world of the living to the world of the dead would travel through a tunnel of light and that the purpose of the tunnel was to cleanse the individual of their past life's sins, deeds, and memories.

What a load of romanticized bullshit.

Inuyasha is having none of that.

No one can expect the tragedy that is the warrior's death, which is what Inuyasha figures is what they'll say about him when they bury him. They will wax poetic about "true bravery" and paint him with words of honor, courage, and an endless supply of love for his countrymen and his family that drove him to fight 'til his last breath, and they will know nothing of the pain.

This death in particular is neither honorable or brave. It's unlucky and gruesome.

It's excruciating.

•

There's a brief second where he manages to make his fingers twitch in the direction of Kagome's scent.

(He is … _beyond_ grateful that his final whiff of this planet's air is laced with the tint of salty-sweet that is distinctly Kagome's and by extension, his.)

Inuyasha had always thought that he, with his half-demon lifespan, would be the one to hold Kagome in her final restful sleep; that he would be the one to have to watch Kagome die. Not the other way around.

Not like this.

o-o-o

Kagome's hands are bleeding.

She'd cut them ages ago but that doesn't stop her.

Little crevices and gashes appear with every stone she claws out of her way, lines of blood both thin and thick streaking her fingers, her already-short nails smarting and screaming as they're ripped millimetre by millimetre from their base on her fingers. She doesn't cry. She doesn't even tear up.

"Mama…"

Bits of dust and debris from the mountain's rockslide still flutter down to the ground, light and whimsical and almost surreal in the suffocating and quiet atmosphere they create. There are no more enemies in the vicinity. Sango has seen to that.

"Ma–"

"Shippo, get Eisuke _away_ from here!" Kagome snaps at the fox frantically, never looking away from or halting in her assault of the rubble that's pinning her husband (her son's father, her best friend, her _life_ ) to the ground.

Shippo obeys immediately, picking up the shocked young boy with a sweep of his arms and backing away from the disaster Kagome's kneeling in front of. He doesn't notice he's crying until tracks of tears run down his cheeks and Eisuke glances at him in panic.

"Shippo…?" Eisuke asks in such a meek and uncertain voice that Shippo just about breaks down right there.

"Don't look, Eisuke," he mutters through gritted teeth, tightening his grip around the boy and using his free hand to keep Eisuke's face locked against his neck.

Miroku shoves away another rock twice the size of his head from the mound that's collapsed over Inuyasha when one of the assassins had kicked him straight into the side of the mountain and triggered a minor avalanche. The monk's own eyes are watery but he doesn't pause even half a second to wipe at them. Nearby, Sango and Kirara land softly before sprinting to the group. Sango throws hiraikotsu to the side haphazardly and practically slides to her knees to work on the rocks at the bottom of the mound to help the rocks clear off faster. She's no longer crying, but her skin is chalky and feverish, like she's seen a ghost.

"I'm sorry, Kagome," Sango rasps in a broken whisper as she rips away stone after stone. "If I–"

"Don't, Sango," Kagome snaps immediately, her hands closing over the next rock with panicked force.

"If I hadn't gotten distracted," Sango continues like she hadn't heard Kagome. "If I did my job, if I protected Eisuke like I should have–"

"This is _not_ your fault, Sango," Miroku speaks up fiercely beside Kagome, his voice shaky and louder than it needs to be. He drops a stone and glares at his wife but she pays him no attention.

"–was all they needed. They just needed a two-second window, and they got it–"

Kagome squeezes her eyes in distraught fury.

" _Dammit_ , Sango, don't–"

Above the three companions, Kirara growls abruptly to catch their attention as she pushes her shoulder against the largest boulder of the mound. They all understand at the same time and scramble to their feet to help Kirara push the wretched stone off of their friend (brother, partner, sidekick, lover).

When the boulder gives and rolls away, there's another brief, small cloud of dust that Kagome, Sango and Miroku wave wildly at to clear the air.

The dust settles eventually, revealing Inuyasha's body from his waist up. The rest of him is still buried beneath the avalanche. The blade that had delivered the final blow had been knocked off in the commotion but the damage is clear and done. Miroku takes one look at his friend and his knees finally weaken to the point where he collapses onto the floor with the realization that they're far too late. There's no way they'll be able to get him out in time.

"Inuya–" Kagome is the first to say something. Kirara seems to have made the same conclusion as Miroku and she shuts her large eyes and hangs her head in despair, a soft, almost inaudible mourning purr echoing from deep within her chest. Kagome's heart drops when she realizes that Kirara is crying.

Sango lets out a single sob that seems to come from her very core and shake her entire body. Like her husband, her legs can't bear the sight of their broken, bruised and bloodied friend (it's never, _never_ been this bad) and she collapses onto Kirara side, gripping tightly onto the demon's fur for support.

Shippo squeezes his eyes shut and has to resist physically turning away. From Shippo's neck, Eisuke starts to wail.

Leaning in closer, Kagome gasps when she sees that Inuyasha's eyes are open, though just barely, but they still shine with life.

 _Right on the edge of life and death, and still as stubborn as a bullheaded fool,_ Kagome thinks, her heart swelling with pride.

Suddenly awash with a sense of determination, Kagome leans down from her position hovering above Inuyasha and presses her lips to his forehead gently.

"I love you," she whispers urgently. Inuyasha's eyes make contact with hers and when he opens his mouth, Kagome's heart leaps a long, hopeful bound–

–and crash-lands back into her chest when Inuyasha doesn't reply and instead weakly coughs up a smattering of blood. Kagome grimaces and wipes at his chin, and just as she draws in her bottom lip under her teeth and presses down hard, Inuyasha looks at her straight in the eyes again and blinks purposefully.

He's sorry.

Kagome shakes her head viciously and leans forward again, ignoring the jagged edges of rocks slicing at her knees, ignoring Miroku's steady and quiet weeping, ignoring Kirara's song of sorrow, and ignoring her son's cry for his _papa_.

She ignores them all and angrily shakes her head before pressing her forehead against his, gently but firmly.

"Don't you apologize," she says fiercely through gritted teeth. "You don't get to apologize for saving me - for saving Eisuke."

She pulls away briefly and he blinks again, the fool.

He's sorry.

Anger stirs within Kagome and she's appalled that he can _still_ rile her up, even at a time like this.

"You don't get to be sorry, Inuyasha!" she scolds him. In the back of her mind, a clock ticks. Perhaps it's the adrenaline rushing in her body and messing with her mind, but she can hear the clear and unrelenting _tick-tock_ of a second hand taking her time with Inuyasha away from her. "You don't apologize for protecting your family!"

Inuyasha's brows crease in a gentle frown; not in anger, in anguish. His eyes plead with her - no, they beg.

He blinks.

He's sorry.

It is this third try at apologizing that Kagome finally feels a wetness in her eyes but she stubbornly forces the tears back, slamming her fist angrily down on a stone and ignoring the sting afterwards.

"Sorry for what!" she cries. "Sorry for fighting so hard? For doing your best? For saving the village? For leaving me?"

 _For leaving you._

Her breath catches in her throat and she looks at Inuyasha, actually looks him in the eyes.

His eyes are smiling now. They've softened and have lost their desperation now that she understands. They shine with content but they twinkle with love. He's never looked more serene.

Kagome shakes her head again, stubbornly, but slowly, more resigned. Even Eisuke's crying has quieted to brief hiccups and stuttered whimpering.

She reaches down and places both hands on either side of his jaw. When he flinches slightly, she fights off a small smile.

She loves him so much.

And she will love him more every day.

"I already forgive you," she says to him quietly.

He blinks.

 _Thank you._

Kagome places a kiss on his jaw. It's one of her favorite parts of him. She has so, so many favorite parts of him but she has so little time.

"I love you."

Inuyasha blinks. _I love you, too._

She kisses his nose.

"I'll raise him well. He'll be strong. Strong like you."

He blinks. _Strong like_ you _._ It takes him a little longer to open his eyes this time.

Kagome is terrified but she forces a smile and briefly kisses his mouth - "I love you" - and leans her forehead on his again, trying to take in as much of his warmth as she can.

She says it over and over and over again, reciting the words countless times like a mantra, like a final chorus, and each time she watches his eyes blink in response, each movement slower than the last until she freezes on one final "love" when he doesn't open his eyes again.

Kagome doesn't bother with the Hollywood clichés she used to see in her mother's old television shows. She doesn't shake his shoulders or scream at his face or beg him to wake up. She doesn't kiss him repeatedly or make new promises or meaningless apologies. She doesn't get mad. She doesn't lose control of herself. She doesn't do any of that.

She keeps her hands on his body - one on his jaw and one on his chest, right above his heart - and bends her neck to look up into the dark blue sky that's bleeding into the orange hue of the setting sun.

And she cries.

 _fin_

* * *

 **Notes** : Title is from Red Jumpsuit Apparatus's song _Your Guardian Angel_ , aka everyone's go-to emo song.


End file.
